Week 1-Chemo

(First day of Chemo-Staying positive)

(daddy & girls cuddling after first day)

Hooooollyyyy shit. What a week! It was quite possibly the longest week yet. First week of chemotherapy is DONE! D.O.N.E! No one can prepare you what a week straight 6 hours a day, every day, of getting chemo is like.  We over prepared and under prepared all at once! First of all, this stuff is serious. You hear chemo, and you think you know what its about and what to expect and what it is, but until it is in front of you, you realize you actually have no idea. And it hits you super hard all of a sudden. First you get an IV then they give you some saline, then some of the anti nausea meds and anti anxiety meds in through the IV and then just some fluids and that’s just the first 3 hours! THEN after that do you get the chemo medicine in an IV 1 by 1. And then they finish off with another hour of fluids. So 6 hours total. It wasn’t until they put the actual chemo bags up on the IV rack that I actually started to cry. It was weird we were fine the whole time and 3 hours in, and they start the chemo drip, I look at Josh and just have this feeling like “omg this is where its about to get real for him” and I just lose it. (Way to be strong, Angelica! Lol-I pulled it together quickly but wtf, it came out of nowhere those tears!)

Anyway, Chemo is crazy you guys. The nurses have to wear this protective gear JUST to hang it on an IV rack. Everything has to go in a special chemo bag, in a special chemo trashcan. Even in the bathrooms there are little signs that say, “all chemotherapy patients should flush twice.”

So, basically this stuff is so crazy it can’t even touch you. This isn’t even including the list of things we aren’t supposed to do at home because of this. It makes you wonder why it is ok to pump into your body, if we can’t even touch it? How is this the solution to get rid of cancer? How did this even become a thing? And who decided this was safe enough to pump it through your veins? Times like these I get mad that I sucked at science and biology and wish I was a doctor so I had all the answers because, being in the unknown…BLOWS.

I can only Google so much. Lol.

Josh started out pretty optimistic, took the first day like a champ. Took the meds well, and didn't have a whole lot of complaints, just pretty sleepy.

 As the week progressed, the chemo started to take a toll on him.  He was super sleepy, nauseous, had a loss of appetite, and he was in a lot of pain. Of course, they give you plenty of medication to go along with all the chemo they pump into you.

 I had to get a diary just so we could keep track of everything and get the schedule down.  It took us a few days to get a perfect regimen going for him to stay out of nausea and pain zones. Staying ahead of the game is key in this situation, we have learned.  So, along with keeping track of all his medications and his water intake, which incase you didn't know, is super, super important. Chemo patients have to drink at minimum 12 cups of water a day, but prefer 15+. (Due to high risk of dehydration and many other crazy side effects no one wants) Which doesn't seem that bad, but when everything tastes horrible and you don't even want to look at water at certain points makes this a very big challenge. Thankfully the medication they give him lets him sleep though. Rest is so important. Those 6 hours just sitting there every day are brutal, so the sleeping part is the best part. (For him anyway, I’ll just add as a caregiver/visitor we are just the person in the corner, we get a fold up chair and a blanket with a chair under the cold air vent, so even though you spend 6 hours with the chemo patient while they are in their comfy reclining squishy chair, with pillows and warm blankets, we just sit there to get the water and company and a whole lot of repositioning in the super non comfy fold up chair lol.  It’s actually quite humorous. I don’t know how many times the nurses have come in and they have seen me in a different position in the chair. I feel like a 5 year old that can't sit still or get comfortable lol.) But it’s ok because I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Plus we spend most of the time marathoning HGTV shows and trying to sneak in naps, so that’s good. They have a “social area” but we haven’t really wanted to leave our little chemo cubby. We dim the lights, drink some soup, watch some hgtv and pass out. He does. I just move around and stretch a lot. Do a lot of people watching…. We are the youngest people in there by FAR. So many people come in and leave alone. Every day. All by themselves. It’s so sad. If anyone should want to volunteer I would say go visit the seniors in a chemo treatment center. Trust me, they don’t want to be watching judge judy or house hunters like we do. Lol.

 Some days were a lot harder to get through than others. We had only 1 really bad day this week. Josh was in a lot of pain; there wasn't a whole lot we could do. I felt so helpless and sad for him. I could barely hold it together. I had to excuse myself from the room a few times just to pull myself back together. I spent a few minutes sobbing in the bathroom hating the world. Like WHY JOSH? WHY US? Why must we go through this hell?

 Listen, we know this is all for the best reason possible...to essentially cure his cancer. Get rid of it. Make him a strong amazing healthy man again. But holy hell, this is no easy task to just GET THROUGH. Although, we are trying our damnedest to do JUST that. Just get through these few weeks, and be done. And hopefully never have to come back. We still have 5 weeks left. So this is just the beginning, but also almost half way done! As the next 2 weeks, he only gets 1 treatment a week instead of 5. Then April 4-9 he goes every day again and then just like the last cycle 1 appointment a week for the last 2 weeks. Assuming all his scans come out clean and the chemo did its job then we are done! 

I have to say though, these nurses. Holy cow. They are AMAZING. Total rock stars. I have no idea how they deal with this day in and day out. Fortunately, they have been super honest about everything and what to expect, which is great because so many people, including the docs, seem to tip toe around the facts of side effects and all the un-pleasantries we will face. One nurse (Hannah) in particular has gone above and beyond for us. Her realness level is 100! lol . So before I get into that, I am just going to share what kind of daughters we have, Adrianna & Ariella are such little love bugs, they always want to take care of daddy and mommy and they are just so caring and aware of our feelings right now. So, they know that daddy isn't feeling good these days because of the medicine and how he has to go to the doctor everyday. Well, they both decided they wanted to draw daddy some pictures to bring to the doctor so Ariella said "you can have something to think of us, and be happy cuz we will go on a picnic" (they drew us all on a picnic under an apple tree) and then Adrianna gave daddy her stuffed animal Rosie the fox, cuz she would make him feel better. (I just love them; I want to cry just typing this) Anyway, our kids are amazing and sweet and just the best so they sent us on our way with all their lovies. Hannah, one of our rock star nurses, hung up all the pictures in the room and then took Rosie the fox on an adventure around the center and took pictures and sent it to the girls. So, Rosie went to get an IV then she went to help the pharmacist, then she was a nurse, then she was partying with the nurses, then she did some charting and had her blood pressure taken...it was so stinking cute, and so sweet of our nurse to do that for our kids. To think of them and what they are going though and what they are thinking during all of this. Because, yes they are incredibly curious what we do there all day, and what happens with daddy and how does he get medicine and so many questions. I think it really helped easing their concerns for daddy to see that Rosie the fox had such a good time! :) It’s that kind of patient care and compassion that really makes you appreciate your nurses. They are incredible and really do all the hard work! So be grateful to your nurse, because they really want the best for you and will fight for you to get the care you deserve. 

Rosie The Fox's Adventure:

Now that we have gotten through this first week, it’s about getting through this weekend and through the middle of next week before he gets chemo again. I think we have most of this thing figured out, but we are learning more and more every day. What things work better than others, what time to take certain medications, reaching water intake goals Etc. etc? We are staying positive. (Other than my one meltdown day last week) and are still fighting like hell to get through this. Everyone who has made dinner, picked up the girls from school, cleaned my house. Thank you! My family has been amazing during all of this. A support system and beyond. All the sweet people in Josh’s life, cooking us meals, and showing so much love and support has been overwhelming and amazing. We can’t thank you guys enough. Sometimes those dinners that were made made our days so much easier and was life saving on the days we were completely worn out.  We love you all. And I will continue to keep everyone updated. Keep sending love and prayers. Josh has a long rough couple of days ahead of him. Hopefully I can find everything I can to make this weekend as easy as possible on him. Feel free to leave Josh messages of encouragement on his facebook or text him messages. He might not get back to all of you, but sometimes a nice text or message can really make a difference in those moments that are harder to get through. Xoxo. #thisblows #sendlove #fuckcancer