(First day of Chemo-Staying positive)
(daddy & girls cuddling after first day)
Hooooollyyyy shit. What a week! It was quite possibly the longest
week yet. First week of chemotherapy is DONE! D.O.N.E! No one can prepare you
what a week straight 6 hours a day, every day, of getting chemo is like.
We over prepared and under prepared all at once! First of all, this stuff
is serious. You hear chemo, and you think you know what its about and what to
expect and what it is, but until it is in front of you, you realize you
actually have no idea. And it hits you super hard all of a sudden. First you
get an IV then they give you some saline, then some of the anti nausea meds and
anti anxiety meds in through the IV and then just some fluids and that’s just
the first 3 hours! THEN after that do you get the chemo medicine in an IV 1 by
1. And then they finish off with another hour of fluids. So 6 hours total. It
wasn’t until they put the actual chemo bags up on the IV rack that I actually
started to cry. It was weird we were fine the whole time and 3 hours in, and
they start the chemo drip, I look at Josh and just have this feeling like “omg
this is where its about to get real for him” and I just lose it. (Way to be
strong, Angelica! Lol-I pulled it together quickly but wtf, it came out of
nowhere those tears!)
Anyway, Chemo is crazy you guys. The nurses have to wear this
protective gear JUST to hang it on an IV rack. Everything has to go in a
special chemo bag, in a special chemo trashcan. Even in the bathrooms there are
little signs that say, “all chemotherapy patients should flush twice.”
So, basically this stuff is so crazy it can’t even touch you. This
isn’t even including the list of things we aren’t supposed to do at home
because of this. It makes you wonder why it is ok to pump into your body, if we
can’t even touch it? How is this the solution to get rid of cancer? How did
this even become a thing? And who decided this was safe enough to pump it
through your veins? Times like these I get mad that I sucked at science and
biology and wish I was a doctor so I had all the answers because, being in the
unknown…BLOWS.
I can only Google so much. Lol.
Josh started out pretty optimistic, took the first day like a
champ. Took the meds well, and didn't have a whole lot of complaints, just
pretty sleepy.
As the week progressed, the
chemo started to take a toll on him. He
was super sleepy, nauseous, had a loss of appetite, and he was in a lot of
pain. Of course, they give you plenty of medication to go along with all the
chemo they pump into you.
I had to get a diary just
so we could keep track of everything and get the schedule down. It took
us a few days to get a perfect regimen going for him to stay out of nausea and
pain zones. Staying ahead of the game is key in this situation, we have
learned. So, along with keeping track of all his medications and his
water intake, which incase you didn't know, is super, super important. Chemo
patients have to drink at minimum 12 cups of water a day, but prefer 15+. (Due
to high risk of dehydration and many other crazy side effects no one wants)
Which doesn't seem that bad, but when everything tastes horrible and you don't
even want to look at water at certain points makes this a very big challenge.
Thankfully the medication they give him lets him sleep though. Rest is so
important. Those 6 hours just sitting there every day are brutal, so the
sleeping part is the best part. (For him anyway, I’ll just add as a
caregiver/visitor we are just the person in the corner, we get a fold up chair
and a blanket with a chair under the cold air vent, so even though you spend 6
hours with the chemo patient while they are in their comfy reclining squishy
chair, with pillows and warm blankets, we just sit there to get the water and
company and a whole lot of repositioning in the super non comfy fold up chair
lol. It’s actually quite humorous. I
don’t know how many times the nurses have come in and they have seen me in a
different position in the chair. I feel like a 5 year old that can't sit still
or get comfortable lol.) But it’s ok because I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Plus
we spend most of the time marathoning HGTV shows and trying to sneak in naps,
so that’s good. They have a “social area” but we haven’t really wanted to leave
our little chemo cubby. We dim the lights, drink some soup, watch some hgtv and
pass out. He does. I just move around and stretch a lot. Do a lot of people
watching…. We are the youngest people in there by FAR. So many people come in
and leave alone. Every day. All by themselves. It’s so sad. If anyone should
want to volunteer I would say go visit the seniors in a chemo treatment center.
Trust me, they don’t want to be watching judge judy or house hunters like we
do. Lol.
Some days were a lot harder
to get through than others. We had only 1 really bad day this week. Josh was in
a lot of pain; there wasn't a whole lot we could do. I felt so helpless and sad
for him. I could barely hold it together. I had to excuse myself from the room
a few times just to pull myself back together. I spent a few minutes sobbing in
the bathroom hating the world. Like WHY JOSH? WHY US? Why must we go through
this hell?
Listen, we know this is all
for the best reason possible...to essentially cure his cancer. Get rid of it.
Make him a strong amazing healthy man again. But holy hell, this is no easy
task to just GET THROUGH. Although, we are trying our damnedest to do JUST that.
Just get through these few weeks, and be done. And hopefully never have to come
back. We still have 5 weeks left. So this is just the beginning, but also
almost half way done! As the next 2 weeks, he only gets 1 treatment a week
instead of 5. Then April 4-9 he goes every day again and then just like the
last cycle 1 appointment a week for the last 2 weeks. Assuming all his scans
come out clean and the chemo did its job then we are done!
I have to say though, these nurses. Holy cow. They are AMAZING.
Total rock stars. I have no idea how they deal with this day in and day out.
Fortunately, they have been super honest about everything and what to expect,
which is great because so many people, including the docs, seem to tip toe
around the facts of side effects and all the un-pleasantries we will face. One
nurse (Hannah) in particular has gone above and beyond for us. Her realness
level is 100! lol . So before I get into that, I am just going to share what
kind of daughters we have, Adrianna & Ariella are such little love bugs,
they always want to take care of daddy and mommy and they are just so caring
and aware of our feelings right now. So, they know that daddy isn't feeling
good these days because of the medicine and how he has to go to the doctor
everyday. Well, they both decided they wanted to draw daddy some pictures to
bring to the doctor so Ariella said "you can have something to think of
us, and be happy cuz we will go on a picnic" (they drew us all on a picnic
under an apple tree) and then Adrianna gave daddy her stuffed animal Rosie the
fox, cuz she would make him feel better. (I just love them; I want to cry just
typing this) Anyway, our kids are amazing and sweet and just the best so they
sent us on our way with all their lovies. Hannah, one of our rock star nurses,
hung up all the pictures in the room and then took Rosie the fox on an
adventure around the center and took pictures and sent it to the girls. So,
Rosie went to get an IV then she went to help the pharmacist, then she was a
nurse, then she was partying with the nurses, then she did some charting and
had her blood pressure taken...it was so stinking cute, and so sweet of our
nurse to do that for our kids. To think of them and what they are going though
and what they are thinking during all of this. Because, yes they are incredibly
curious what we do there all day, and what happens with daddy and how does he
get medicine and so many questions. I think it really helped easing their concerns
for daddy to see that Rosie the fox had such a good time! :) It’s that kind of
patient care and compassion that really makes you appreciate your nurses. They
are incredible and really do all the hard work! So be grateful to your nurse,
because they really want the best for you and will fight for you to get the
care you deserve.
Rosie The Fox's Adventure:
Now that we have gotten through this first week, it’s about
getting through this weekend and through the middle of next week before he gets
chemo again. I think we have most of this thing figured out, but we are
learning more and more every day. What things work better than others, what
time to take certain medications, reaching water intake goals Etc. etc? We are
staying positive. (Other than my one meltdown day last week) and are still
fighting like hell to get through this. Everyone who has made dinner, picked up
the girls from school, cleaned my house. Thank you! My family has been amazing
during all of this. A support system and beyond. All the sweet people in Josh’s
life, cooking us meals, and showing so much love and support has been
overwhelming and amazing. We can’t thank you guys enough. Sometimes those
dinners that were made made our days so much easier and was life saving on the
days we were completely worn out. We
love you all. And I will continue to keep everyone updated. Keep sending love
and prayers. Josh has a long rough couple of days ahead of him. Hopefully I can
find everything I can to make this weekend as easy as possible on him. Feel
free to leave Josh messages of encouragement on his facebook or text him
messages. He might not get back to all of you, but sometimes a nice text or
message can really make a difference in those moments that are harder to get
through. Xoxo. #thisblows #sendlove #fuckcancer
