Week 2-3

Hey everyone sorry for the lack of updates the past 2 weeks, we’ve been pretty busy and haven’t gotten much sleep…but I wanted to try and keep everyone updated as much as possible..

So, remember that time in my first blog I said that we were hoping Josh would “fly and work right on through it” because of his age, this new diet and everything else we were doing?

PSHHHHH. I feel like the doctors gave us false hopes of this being easier, or maybe NOT easy, but that he wouldn’t get these crazy side effects as bad as most people.. Because let me tell you, HOLY EFF! Chemo is NO JOKE on the body. Josh seems to be getting EVERY SINGLE side effect. Including the “rare” ones.  Even the doctor was like WHAT THE HELL?  

So, week 2 of treatment, we were NOT prepared for what was to come. To put it bluntly, Josh got his ass KICKED! Monday through Wednesday was an absolute nightmare. Sick is an understatement.  Tuesday-Wednesday, he didn’t eat a single thing. He was gagging at the thought of water and couldn’t keep it down for the life of him. It was AWFUL. No medications were working. Everything just kind of sucked and there was literally nothing we could do about it, but just try and make it to the next day, hoping it was better than the last.

Thursday-Sunday was a lot better which thankfully; we were able to have a nice relaxing Easter. He was eating, and drinking again. He stopped taking a lot of the medications and got out of his chemo zombie mode. Speaking of which,

Does anyone know how many take home medications you get along with chemo? A SHIT TON! And almost all of them cause shitty side effects. One of them being drowsiness. Doesn’t seem like a big deal right? WRONG. When all your medications cause it, all you do is sleep. You don’t want to eat. When you are awake, you are in a total daze. You feel so disconnected. There were days it felt like “Josh are you even in there?” So, the minute he felt “better” (I say that lightly because better still isn’t great, but we will take all the “better” we can get!) he stopped taking almost all of his medications because he hated feeling that way. We BOTH had breakdowns over the lack of life we had been living the past few weeks. He cried, I cried. We just felt trapped. He felt a prisoner in his own body. Like he had to take the meds to not feel like shit, but hated taking the meds because he still felt like shit and completely out of it.  I felt trapped because as the caregiver there is literally NOTHING I can do to help him most of the time. I am there for him for whatever he needs. But when these medications are so powerful, that you just have to sit there and watch the person you love go through hell, is probably the hardest part of all. As a mom and a natural caretaker, I struggle with this issue EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How can you help when there’s nothing you can do? I probably asked him a thousand times “ is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Does anything sound good? How are you feeling? Can I do anything for you?” Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. We tried all natural, we tried crazy medications that the doc gave him, I mean, I tried EVERYTHING.   There is NO WINNING IN CHEMO. The only win is the very end, when it has done its job. Until then…IT BLOWS! Anyway, so since he was feeling better he wanted to wean off the meds a bit this past week since the chemo meds he was getting next 2 weeks don’t have same side effects as the ones he was getting the first week.

 So, The next day he woke up and it was like the old Josh was back. He was smiling and interacting with us, and left the bedroom for longer than an hour. It was a huge realization of how much life and joy Josh brings to the home everyday, because with out it, it felt very empty in here. It felt, off. It’s a realization of our family being a unit and when one piece stops working, the whole fucking thing falls apart.

Week 3 was soooooo much better. His body had a chance to recover a bit since we only did 2 treatments in the past 2 weeks vs. everyday like his first week. Girls were on spring break from school and we actually got to enjoy some of it with them and with Josh. He was relatively back to normal other than some sleeping issues and his appetite. Both are far better than they were, but still, not exactly where we want it to be. He was able to stop taking medication all of last week, so that’s great, he isn’t in the zombie mode anymore and thank god because he hated every minute of it. Bad news of week 3 is that the inevitable happened…his hair started falling out. We came in on Monday and not a single hair was out of place, then suddenly the next morning woke up in a pile of beard hair and then the following day his head of hair. So, we wanted the girls to be a part of this whole process, so they weren’t scared or confused as to why daddy is looking different, or have them come home and just see daddy’s hair is all gone. So we had the girls shave daddy’s head! We grabbed the clippers and let the girls go to town, and they had so much fun doing it. I’m glad we let them be a part of it, because now, THEY made daddy cut his hair, and it wasn’t the medicine. It’s not a scary or weird thing for them. They seem to be doing ok with everything, and they are such good caretakers. They love to be daddy’s doctor! Just little love bugs those 2. <3

Chemo hasn’t been easy on Josh, or our family. He hasn’t been able to work, at all. Most days he wasn’t able to get out of bed. Which means I couldn’t work either. My mom was in China, my sister in California, aunts, uncles, friends and grandmas and our whole network was out of town. (Great timing huh lol!) With kids in school and after school activities it was super hard and stressful planning rides and pick up times for the girls and everything else, they had to skip some of their dance classes, it just proved to be too much. Our schedule was crazy, we’d drop kids off at school, go to chemo for 6 hours, have my other sister or my dad pick the kids up, then get home to make dinner, get Josh comfortable, and kids doing homework and bath time and story time and bed time… Lets just say this caregiver was SPENT by week 2. After a couple meltdowns and adjusting to only a few hours of sleep each night, I think I’ve got this down now. Lol. 6 hours of sleep is a great night sleep these days. ;)

We wouldn’t have been able to get to this point with out all the people around us supporting us the way they have. Bringing food (shout out to one of Josh’s coworkers from his Birches family, Lisa, you’re a freaking angel! - She has brought us dinner at least once a week, she started a go fund me page for us, and she is probably one of the most giving & most kind hearted person we’ve met.) And then of course my Mom, lets all just thank god for moms huh? I have no idea where we would be right now if it weren’t for her and her non-stop support.  (Love you mom and thank you!) Times like these really show you how important your family is, and whom your true friends really are. Not to mention, the outpouring of support from people we barely know or haven’t been in touch with for years has been humbling to say the least.  You guys are amazing.  Just THANK YOU. Everyone who has donated to our go fund me page, I can’t tell you how much that has helped us. With us not working and just trying to survive, this has meant so much to us and helped our family get by!  We could have never asked anyone of this, or done this ourselves. (Again, thank you Adrienne & Lisa for being amazing and starting those!)  The people in our lives are absolutely wonderful, and we couldn’t be more grateful. You guys have brought us to tears with your kindness on several occasions, so thank you!!!!

We started cycle -2 yesterday (woohoo half way done!) with this being a long week of treatment again (we go mon-fri 6 hours everyday this week and then the following 2 Mondays) His white blood cell count is pretty low right now, so we have to be extra careful in the germ territory for him, he can easily get sick. We almost weren’t able to start this cycle, but they think he is strong enough to power through it.  Regardless of this news, we are going in with a positive attitude. Hoping it will be a little easier this time around, now that we know what to expect and what medications to avoid, and so on. The doctors say it could really go either way. He could get side effects worse or his body could be a little more used to the chemotherapy drugs. So far we are hangin' in there. Send positive vibes and prayers we can get through this, and hopefully we can both go back to work again soon, and get our life back on track to normalcy.

We have tried to remain strong and positive even in the hardest and weakest of times, when there seemed to be no light at the end of the chemo tunnel. It has been HARD. It has been absolutely terrifying, full of anxiety and weeks of sleepless nights..We live hour by hour. Hoping each hour is better than the last. Each day is better than the last. We look forward to the end, however we still have a few very long weeks ahead. But for now, today, right in this moment, I can say we are positive and hopeful! 

April, we mean this in the best way possible, but we can’t wait for you to be over. His last day of chemotherapy is on the 18^th, assuming all goes well the next few weeks. They expect him to have a “chemo hangover” which will probably suck but if its anything like the past week, I think he will be better just in time for his 35^th birthday, which is on the 28^th! We hope to enter May with Josh turning 35 and cancer free, girls will be finishing up kindergarten, their recital, their birthday and everyone else’s birthday we love in may! (May is always our busiest month of the year!)  Lets just all agree; it can’t come fast enough! Again, thank you guys so much. We couldn’t have made it this far without all of you! Xoxo! -Angelica

The go fund me pages- (2 people started one on same night, but all for same cause. Use or stay up to date with either one!)

https://www.gofundme.com/xuv8ydac
https://www.gofundme.com/79vf4784

Week 1-Chemo

(First day of Chemo-Staying positive)

(daddy & girls cuddling after first day)

Hooooollyyyy shit. What a week! It was quite possibly the longest week yet. First week of chemotherapy is DONE! D.O.N.E! No one can prepare you what a week straight 6 hours a day, every day, of getting chemo is like.  We over prepared and under prepared all at once! First of all, this stuff is serious. You hear chemo, and you think you know what its about and what to expect and what it is, but until it is in front of you, you realize you actually have no idea. And it hits you super hard all of a sudden. First you get an IV then they give you some saline, then some of the anti nausea meds and anti anxiety meds in through the IV and then just some fluids and that’s just the first 3 hours! THEN after that do you get the chemo medicine in an IV 1 by 1. And then they finish off with another hour of fluids. So 6 hours total. It wasn’t until they put the actual chemo bags up on the IV rack that I actually started to cry. It was weird we were fine the whole time and 3 hours in, and they start the chemo drip, I look at Josh and just have this feeling like “omg this is where its about to get real for him” and I just lose it. (Way to be strong, Angelica! Lol-I pulled it together quickly but wtf, it came out of nowhere those tears!)

Anyway, Chemo is crazy you guys. The nurses have to wear this protective gear JUST to hang it on an IV rack. Everything has to go in a special chemo bag, in a special chemo trashcan. Even in the bathrooms there are little signs that say, “all chemotherapy patients should flush twice.”

So, basically this stuff is so crazy it can’t even touch you. This isn’t even including the list of things we aren’t supposed to do at home because of this. It makes you wonder why it is ok to pump into your body, if we can’t even touch it? How is this the solution to get rid of cancer? How did this even become a thing? And who decided this was safe enough to pump it through your veins? Times like these I get mad that I sucked at science and biology and wish I was a doctor so I had all the answers because, being in the unknown…BLOWS.

I can only Google so much. Lol.

Josh started out pretty optimistic, took the first day like a champ. Took the meds well, and didn't have a whole lot of complaints, just pretty sleepy.

 As the week progressed, the chemo started to take a toll on him.  He was super sleepy, nauseous, had a loss of appetite, and he was in a lot of pain. Of course, they give you plenty of medication to go along with all the chemo they pump into you.

 I had to get a diary just so we could keep track of everything and get the schedule down.  It took us a few days to get a perfect regimen going for him to stay out of nausea and pain zones. Staying ahead of the game is key in this situation, we have learned.  So, along with keeping track of all his medications and his water intake, which incase you didn't know, is super, super important. Chemo patients have to drink at minimum 12 cups of water a day, but prefer 15+. (Due to high risk of dehydration and many other crazy side effects no one wants) Which doesn't seem that bad, but when everything tastes horrible and you don't even want to look at water at certain points makes this a very big challenge. Thankfully the medication they give him lets him sleep though. Rest is so important. Those 6 hours just sitting there every day are brutal, so the sleeping part is the best part. (For him anyway, I’ll just add as a caregiver/visitor we are just the person in the corner, we get a fold up chair and a blanket with a chair under the cold air vent, so even though you spend 6 hours with the chemo patient while they are in their comfy reclining squishy chair, with pillows and warm blankets, we just sit there to get the water and company and a whole lot of repositioning in the super non comfy fold up chair lol.  It’s actually quite humorous. I don’t know how many times the nurses have come in and they have seen me in a different position in the chair. I feel like a 5 year old that can't sit still or get comfortable lol.) But it’s ok because I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Plus we spend most of the time marathoning HGTV shows and trying to sneak in naps, so that’s good. They have a “social area” but we haven’t really wanted to leave our little chemo cubby. We dim the lights, drink some soup, watch some hgtv and pass out. He does. I just move around and stretch a lot. Do a lot of people watching…. We are the youngest people in there by FAR. So many people come in and leave alone. Every day. All by themselves. It’s so sad. If anyone should want to volunteer I would say go visit the seniors in a chemo treatment center. Trust me, they don’t want to be watching judge judy or house hunters like we do. Lol.

 Some days were a lot harder to get through than others. We had only 1 really bad day this week. Josh was in a lot of pain; there wasn't a whole lot we could do. I felt so helpless and sad for him. I could barely hold it together. I had to excuse myself from the room a few times just to pull myself back together. I spent a few minutes sobbing in the bathroom hating the world. Like WHY JOSH? WHY US? Why must we go through this hell?

 Listen, we know this is all for the best reason possible...to essentially cure his cancer. Get rid of it. Make him a strong amazing healthy man again. But holy hell, this is no easy task to just GET THROUGH. Although, we are trying our damnedest to do JUST that. Just get through these few weeks, and be done. And hopefully never have to come back. We still have 5 weeks left. So this is just the beginning, but also almost half way done! As the next 2 weeks, he only gets 1 treatment a week instead of 5. Then April 4-9 he goes every day again and then just like the last cycle 1 appointment a week for the last 2 weeks. Assuming all his scans come out clean and the chemo did its job then we are done! 

I have to say though, these nurses. Holy cow. They are AMAZING. Total rock stars. I have no idea how they deal with this day in and day out. Fortunately, they have been super honest about everything and what to expect, which is great because so many people, including the docs, seem to tip toe around the facts of side effects and all the un-pleasantries we will face. One nurse (Hannah) in particular has gone above and beyond for us. Her realness level is 100! lol . So before I get into that, I am just going to share what kind of daughters we have, Adrianna & Ariella are such little love bugs, they always want to take care of daddy and mommy and they are just so caring and aware of our feelings right now. So, they know that daddy isn't feeling good these days because of the medicine and how he has to go to the doctor everyday. Well, they both decided they wanted to draw daddy some pictures to bring to the doctor so Ariella said "you can have something to think of us, and be happy cuz we will go on a picnic" (they drew us all on a picnic under an apple tree) and then Adrianna gave daddy her stuffed animal Rosie the fox, cuz she would make him feel better. (I just love them; I want to cry just typing this) Anyway, our kids are amazing and sweet and just the best so they sent us on our way with all their lovies. Hannah, one of our rock star nurses, hung up all the pictures in the room and then took Rosie the fox on an adventure around the center and took pictures and sent it to the girls. So, Rosie went to get an IV then she went to help the pharmacist, then she was a nurse, then she was partying with the nurses, then she did some charting and had her blood pressure taken...it was so stinking cute, and so sweet of our nurse to do that for our kids. To think of them and what they are going though and what they are thinking during all of this. Because, yes they are incredibly curious what we do there all day, and what happens with daddy and how does he get medicine and so many questions. I think it really helped easing their concerns for daddy to see that Rosie the fox had such a good time! :) It’s that kind of patient care and compassion that really makes you appreciate your nurses. They are incredible and really do all the hard work! So be grateful to your nurse, because they really want the best for you and will fight for you to get the care you deserve. 

Rosie The Fox's Adventure:

Now that we have gotten through this first week, it’s about getting through this weekend and through the middle of next week before he gets chemo again. I think we have most of this thing figured out, but we are learning more and more every day. What things work better than others, what time to take certain medications, reaching water intake goals Etc. etc? We are staying positive. (Other than my one meltdown day last week) and are still fighting like hell to get through this. Everyone who has made dinner, picked up the girls from school, cleaned my house. Thank you! My family has been amazing during all of this. A support system and beyond. All the sweet people in Josh’s life, cooking us meals, and showing so much love and support has been overwhelming and amazing. We can’t thank you guys enough. Sometimes those dinners that were made made our days so much easier and was life saving on the days we were completely worn out.  We love you all. And I will continue to keep everyone updated. Keep sending love and prayers. Josh has a long rough couple of days ahead of him. Hopefully I can find everything I can to make this weekend as easy as possible on him. Feel free to leave Josh messages of encouragement on his facebook or text him messages. He might not get back to all of you, but sometimes a nice text or message can really make a difference in those moments that are harder to get through. Xoxo. #thisblows #sendlove #fuckcancer

The Diet

First, we would like to go ahead and say thank you to everyone who has offered to make and/or bring us food. You have no idea how much that helps. However, Josh has some pretty strict diet restrictions right now. It's a restricted anti-inflammatory diet. Which let me tell you, is NOT easy! (I want to be supportive and I definitely don't want him doing this alone. We are in this together! So the girls and I are doing it with him) Anyway, we love you all for the offers and support, and you truly don't have to feel obligated to do this we appreciate just all the love and thoughtfulness. But if you still insist to bring us food, or make us food here is the long list of restrictions as many have requested to see…

Everything has to be non-GMO and 100% Organic.

List of things he CANNOT have:

Dairy

Eggs

Red Meat/Pork

Wheat products of any kind (including white flour)

Citrus fruits

Tomatoes
Potatoes

Corn Products

Peppers (black pepper for seasoning is fine)

Peanuts & Peanut Butter

All forms of caffeine 

Alcohol

Sugar (he can have agave, honey, stevia or maple syrup as sweeteners) 

Fried foods

Any processed food 

He can have fish but it has to be Deep Ocean fresh, it cannot be farmed. 

Basically think Gluten free, Dairy Free, Sugar Free, and GMO free and all organic, with a couple of the extra restrictions. Everything within those guidelines he can have. 

It's hard.. we miss cheese. We miss eggs. We miss hot sauce(oh man do we miss hot sauce!!! Lol) . We miss sugar. But everything else hasn't been too hard to abide by. 

Now, you must be thinking, what the heck are we doing this for? 

Well, first and foremost, we have to remember that food is medicine. Nutrition is so important. The average American diet is pretty inflammatory to our system. We never ate horribly, but could we have eaten healthier? Sure! Now that he has to go through chemo, the anti-inflammatory isn't required, but it certainly helps with his side effects. If he has a better diet and stops the inflammation inside, his body accepts the chemo better, has less side affects, and it helps with cell and platelet growth, as the chemo is killing off both good and bad cells. So it helps to keep up, and also helps the chemo work better. Cancer cannot grow in an alkalized body. This is a fact. So if we feed our bodies nothing but anti-inflammatory foods, then we essentially can help starve out any cancer.  

Also, with chemo, your taste buds change, you get sick easily, you feel nauseous, and sometimes you don't want to eat at all, so this diet is very easy on his stomach. 

Now, before we get heat about being overly cautious lol. (We have gotten a few eye rolls, which I just go ahead and assume they're clearly not educated on this particular subject, because as soon as people hear "all natural" they think we are bunch of tree hugging hippies that think Tree bark is the cure of life....) I just want to say, in our defense, we don't believe a tablespoon of maple syrup everyday is going to cure cancer. We are realistic, we know we have to fight this with medicine.. But, we also believe we should use every defense we have and fight this every way possible. As they say, you wouldn't bring 1 solider to the battle; you'd bring the whole army. So that's what we are doing. 

We are currently seeing multiple doctors. We are currently seeing a regular oncologist who practices western medicine, and also an acupuncturist/healer who practices eastern medicine working with food and energy and herbs and all that fun stuff. He can also help with easing the inevitable side effects that medicine can't help us with, so truly, we need to have resources from all angles..... We believe in both practices and think using both is obviously a no brainer. Who wouldn't want to fight this every way possible?  Also, both doctors agree that it's great to practice both.

When people work together to heal, the better chance we have!  

 Just remember, this whole fight is for Josh. We don't want him to feel like crap, or have to fight more off than he has to. He can't eat these things mostly because it will irritate his stomach; it's a lot harder for him to digest certain foods now. A lot of foods won't taste good. We want this chemo treatment to not kick his ass. If we can follow these rules until he's done with the chemo, not only is his body going to thank us, he will feel a lot better and heal from the medicine a lot quicker than he would if his body wasn't nutritionally healthy as he can be. A full balanced meal is exactly what everyone needs. And right now more than ever is that so important for him! 

Again, we thank you so much. The support has been overwhelming. Love you guys. xoxo! 

An Imperfect Life

 We live an imperfect life. We’re imperfect people. We’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, completely backwards, but we are HAPPY. We enjoy the little things as much as the big things. We live on the positive side of life, even in the darkest of times. We are what you call  “glass half full” kind of people, probably annoyingly so lol…… But, I intend to stay that way, through all the crazy fucked up paths, and the perfect, amazing, wonderful ones.

This new road we are about to embark on may be super scary, and anxiety ridden with all of the unknowns, but I will remain by Josh’s side during every dark and scary path we face. We have remained a team during every moment of good and bad, without falter, and that will never change.
 Josh and I have been together for 8 years. This man is my other half. My puzzle piece, my partner in crime. He is my home, and my rock, he is just about everything. I absolutely LOVE us. We're the cutest. lol. We never fight, we are almost always on the same page and our relationship is easy, it’s easy because our love always comes first, no matter what. Also, he is very easy to love. ;)

We have our beautiful and amazing twin daughters Adrianna & Ariella, who are going to be 6 this year! 6!! Lets start by saying these two, are not only what makes our lives so much brighter and fuller everyday, but they are truly, our very best friends.

My little family isn’t perfect. Our love for each other, however, is!

So, here we are, living our semi-normal, imperfect life. Happy just going to work and school, or going to the gym, and taking kids to dance class…. and then suddenly, in the middle of our normal life, something horrible comes up. The word no one wants to say, because it’s too real and too scary.

CANCER.

What? How is this awful word part of our every day life now? Why has this horrible disease invaded our perfect, imperfect life?  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING?!
  Josh has cancer.  Josh has CANCER?  JOSH HAS CANCER…Try saying that out loud with out feeling like someone punched you in the stomach, because this must be some kind of sick joke, like Ashton Kutcher is going to come around the corner and say we are being punked, because this can’t be real.  Is this REAL life right now? He’s only 34, how does he have cancer? Why does he have cancer? Why us? So many questions. So few answers.

So now that you know, I will get you all up to speed.

We found a mass Jan 31^st.  ER visit confirms there was a tumor and it needed to be removed and he would need to see an urologist ASAP. Cue all the doctor appointments, and a scheduled surgery for February 5^th.
That week flew by and crept by all at once.

All the doctors kept talking cancer, Josh was about to go have surgery, we were missing work, and all 4 of us were super sick.  It’s kind of a blur. But I remember our feelings; we were scared, anxious, and completely confused.

Josh had surgery that Friday; afterwards we went home and passed out, watching old episodes of Twilight Zone…. Nothing like watching a show about being in an alternate reality when you feel like you are an episode, yourself. Lol.
Anyway, then it was time to just wait for the phone call… is it cancerous or not, and if it is, what is our plan? What do we have to do? The answers couldn’t come soon enough.
Again, the following weeks are fuzzy, but…

 My family completely fell apart.

February 2016, hardest month to date. I was sick, Josh was sick, the girls were sick.
With a couple ER visits for the girls, due to strep, I was puking because my nerves were shot and I had no sleep. I was too worried about Josh and the results and the sick kids…

The storm had cometh STRONG. And it wasn’t over…

Josh was having more pain than they said he would have.
We waited 2 FREAKING weeks before we heard anything from doctor or pathology. Mind you, they said it would only take 3-4 days max!
Can we talk about how insanely awful our anxiety was those 2 weeks? All we could think about was,
 Is it cancer?
 How bad is it?
 Is he going to need chemo or radiation or any of the other scary cancer stuff?
 We had so many thoughts racing through our head.

 Then we find out, yep, the gut wrenching results we didn’t want…it’s cancerous. We went in for an appointment to get staples out and the urologist gave us our plan and what steps to take next. Which was to see an oncologist.
Between the staple removal and the first oncologist appointment, Josh was fine and seemed to be getting better and then he wasn’t. He wasn’t breathing normally. His fingers and hands were turning blue; he also had the cold sweats and couldn’t stop shivering. He was super pale and didn’t look good at all. It was awful, and super scary.

So guess what? Another ER trip, (gosh, these nurses and doctors should have our own room at this point) Turns out one of his lungs was deflated and he had fluid in his left lung. (Although the doctor scared the crap out of us and said it was blood clots at first, I hate that doctor, now. She gave us all the worst-case scenarios and had me terrified over night before his scheduled CT scan the next morning. Because, HELLO blood clots in the lungs, EMERGENCY SITUTATION.) So I stayed up ALLLL night listening to him breathe. There was no way I was going to sleep that night.  UGH! Good times. Anyway, it turned out to NOT be clots, so thank god. But, still fluid in the lungs, not great news either. So we have been dealing with that. Now fast forward through this hell of a month to the other day…

Our first Oncologist appointment,
 We pull up to this building…the cancer center…ugh. As we are walking up, we notice, its nothing but seniors coming out of those doors, and I just had this huge feeling like WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. We walk through the burnt orange automatic doors and the strong smell of mildew and sadness is in the air. We walk into the cancer center wing… its all dimly lit, a larger waiting room than most, I can tell they wanted it to be inviting and calm, but instead I got the feeling of depressing, like you’re in the waiting room for death and also too much of the color burnt orange. We are waiting to be called, and we hear the nurses’ talking about who has the best fast food French fries? Burger king, Mcdonald’s or Arby’s, and all we can think is…ummm we are in a cancer center and these healthcare providers are talking about fast food? Lol. Wtf??  We laughed and again thought, where’s Ashton?

Anyway, back to all the info. We find out he has Stage 1B Cancer.  It is not the lowest kind but not the worst either. But due to the nature of his cancer and the location and how close it was to the bloodline and lymph nodes. We had 3 options.

   1)   Assume surgery got it all and just have scans done every 2 months and keep a close eye on him.
   2)   Chemo. Do a few rounds and then only have scans every 6 months and check ups every 3.
   3)   Surgeries again, take out all the lymph nodes just to be safe. 

Now, due to the fast growing cancer he has, and the location of the tumor being so close to the bloodline, if we even missed one cancer cell option 1 was too much of a risk for potential spreading and, not to mention the amount of radiation his body would take with that many scans, he would end up having cancer pop up somewhere else. Option 3 was too extreme for this scenario. So that leaves us with chemo.

Scary, old chemo.

He will be going through a few rounds of chemo starting on the 14^th and it will be 6 weeks of chemo treatments. He is probably going to have some of the side effects, but hopefully he wont get them all, because he isn’t doing a ton of rounds. We are hoping he will fly right through it and the meds won’t hit him super hard. Every person is different. So we wont know until we know.

Our new road now includes, chemo, it includes an anti inflammatory diet, it includes massive lifestyle changes. It includes cancer. More importantly, it’s us as a family learning to live this new way of life. It is Josh and I trying to figure out how to tell our girls that daddy is sick and things are going to be different and how they have to be careful around him, and explain that it is medicine that’s making daddy’s hair fall out, or why daddy is sleepy or not feeling good. How do you parent through this? I find this to be the hardest task of all…Our happy, innocent and joyful babies have to learn about something so horrible so young, it breaks my heart.  Then for me, I also have to figure out how to be a strong partner for him. How will I not completely fall apart doing both of these things? I’m not sure yet. But I will keep you posted. Everyone reading this is part of our support system. And we need all of the positivity we can get.

Josh is an amazing human. He’s an incredible daddy, and a wonderful partner. He is a great friend to so many! He doesn’t deserve this, no one does. So we are going fight like hell to be strong and be positive and hope for the best. He should be ok after this, but our life won’t be the same. We will always have to do check ups and wonder if his headache is really just a headache or if a stomach ache is just a stomach ache…  The cancer is there. So, we will always have to be aware.

This may be a new road, and a new way of life, for RIGHT NOW. I refuse for this to be our future. We are going to get through this and this can just be a small crappy chapter in our perfect-imperfect life.

We appreciate all the love and support from everyone. I’ll try and keep people updated as much as possible, through this platform. It’s much easier to do versus making several hundred phone calls a day. Love you, all. Send your love and good vibes our way. #THISBLOWS #FUCKCANCER #LOVE #POSITIVITYISKEY